i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize