my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
