she was so not down for the gang bang
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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