omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
