I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
