Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
