well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
