Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
