didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
