Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
