also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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