Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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