What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
