I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
