I wannas sexs uuuuu
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
