Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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