She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
