I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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