We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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