I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
