so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You're like the curious george of whores
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
