Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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