Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
