i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
