She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
a search helicopter?!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
