im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i dont even know how to be here
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
