Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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