When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
