There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
