Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
