tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
