How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Shame - the story of my life.
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