i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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