Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
