the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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