im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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