I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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