she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize