I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize