Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
