so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
