i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize