please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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