I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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