i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
People with herpes should wear stickers.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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