Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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