i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
