He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
