we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
