Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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