I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
time to smoke my breakfast
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
