I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
