im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i love accidental penises.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
