I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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