NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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