Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
